So I didn't die on my day trip to Toronto today which makes me happy. I'm also happy because everything went according to plan and I got to play dodge ball!
So today went like this:
Got up really early and walked 20 minutes to the GO bus stop in about -146565433 weather then took it to New Market where I transferred to the Union station GO bus.

Got to Union Station and took 2 subways to Kipling station where I took a bus to Lake Shore Boulevard West and wandered for about 20 minutes trying to find where the dodge ball tournament was taking place, then my phone died.

Finally found the gym and my team who forgot my jersey which made me sad, then got dressed to try to look like part of the team without my jersey. Played our first dodge ball game and I was really good for some strange reason. I was the teams star player but we still lost and one of our players hurt her knee.

Went to go get food with the team and missed our second game by doing so then lost the other 2 games. Yeah, my team pretty much ruled at life.

In between the games I got to hear about how much fun everyone had at the house party last night that I couldn't go to which made my day even better. I also cheered for a mean boy named Sam to get hit in the head with a dodge ball, unfortunately that never happened.

On the bus ride to residence I found someone to share 4x5 film with for photography which makes my life a lot less stressful then got back to rez, charged my phone and headed back for Barrie.

Took a bus to the subway station that took 1000 hours to get there then had a hard time finding where the subway I needed was. Finally made it to Union Station and bought a ticket for the GO bus to New Market which I had hard time finding too.

So I'm finally home and I can say that I'm never going to take such a trip down to Toronto ever again. Tonight I get to miss a no pants kegger, lucky me but Matt is coming over to watch Titanic with me and have a sleepover so I guess that makes up for it.

So I'm up at this crazy hour because I have to venture to Toronto on buses, subways and more buses to play dodge ball. My tummy hurts and I'm tired so this all better be worth it and my team better win every game.
Ahaha.
I have to walk 20 minutes to the bus stop soon in the dark so hopefully I don't get raped or something.

If I don't come back alive don't miss me too much blog.

xoxo Helga

you're too heavy

Walk and pick things up as you go. Nothing too heavy, nothing too light. Weigh each item against your soul and if it measures up, take it with you. If it makes you weary or it loses its significance, leave it behind for someone else to find.

Keep only that which you need.

But I thought, this wouldn't hurt a lot. I guess not.

Last night was fun. Me and Kristyn got drunk off vodka and talked about life then tried to find someone to sign us in to caps to see ill scarlet. By the time we found someone and got to caps they wouldn't let us in because it was too late to let anyone in. So we went all the way back to residence and hung out on s2 then we got really high in a gazebo with some boys from s2. Then I couldn't stop laughing especially when I watched this video.


Me and Paul ended up hanging out in his room and I ate mini wheats even though I hate them with all my heart.

Today really sucks because I failed my film midterm and our teacher is making us watch a stupid Indian film with subtitles. I know, I'm ignorant and I don't care. I didn't pay for fucking school to study stupid Bollywood shit. FUCK MY LIFE.

So I should pretty much consider dropping out of school right now because I don't have a camera to do my assignment with for photography class so I lose 25 percent a day for it so I fail. I don't have a light meter for my following assignments because I'm poor and I really want to cry right now. I'm really frustrated and I want to leave my photography class right now. Actually I think I'm going to.

I'm going to go work out to get out my frustrations then get drunk
FUCK MY LIFE.

(L)(L)(L)

I'm in love.
KBYE

Why do I suck so hard at life?

I'm really angry at this week. I got 50 percent on my midterm and my assignment in Visual Communications class and I'm on academic probation. At this rate I'm going to fail out of school. FML.

My mom is making me babysit this weekend so I have to go back up to Barrie for Thursday until Monday and it just so happens that there is a huge house party down in Toronto that I'm going to miss. FML again. Oh well me and Matt Graham can have sleepovers when I'm back home.

I started working out yesterday at the gym but my muscles don't hurt so I feel unaccomplished. I'm going to see fired up tonight with Chantel and sit here watching the real world for the next 2 hours until my class starts.

Up until today I thought Goofy was a dog but he apparently has human feet and Pluto is a dog so...
what the fuck is Goofy?

Did you know that no 2 countries that have a Macdonald's in them have ever gone to war with each other?

Therefore does Macdonald's mean peace?

Yes, yes I think so...

Reading week is over and I wish it wasn't because I only made 100 dollars during it. But spending some time at home makes me so much more exited for the summer where I plan to work my ass off at Mcdoanlds with two of my best friends.

I actually don't have much to write about but I just thought I'd make a blog because I haven't made one in 3 days...I think.

I miss residence, can't wait to come back and see everyone tomorrow :)

She's just an icy type of young lady

Just throwing this out there, I love being single so much :)
And what's even better is that there is no boy that I'd give up being single for.

This is the longest I have been single with no ex boyfriend in the picture since grade 10.

I love this feeling so much and at this rate I'm going to stay single for as long as I possibly can.

Today was a very eventful day.

Me and Pat ate lunch at Harveys because we never eat there so we decided to try it out. I regret not getting the angus mushroom swiss burger thing because ever since I've gotten home I've see the commercial for it like 50 times. Then we went to go see that movie Coraline which was decent then went to go pick up Katie. I also had Starbucks for the first time.

Pat got his cartilage pierced in a sketchy tanning salon by a lady with bare feet then some pregnant lady hit Pat's bumper on the way to retrieve McTofees at Mcdonalds.

When we finally reached McDonalds I yelled at Matt Graham for stealing a shift that I needed because he needed to work with the boy that he likes.

Plans for upcoming weekends:
This weekend- get drunk off of the cheapest thing I can find and go to the bar/find somewhere to drink and have fun then possibly beg McDonalds for shifts before I head my ass back to Rexdale.

Next weekend- Go home on Thursday (so no Caps for me :( ) to babysit my brother until Monday night but secretly sneak back down to residence on Saturday so I can help my team kick ass in the dodge ball tournament.

Weekend of March 5th- Pat and Katie are coming to Toronto for Pat's birthday and we are partying all weekend, having nugtinnis and taking bubble baths in the bathtubs we have in the residence bathrooms that no one uses because they are all out in the open.

Sounds like a plan, yes?

I worked an 8 hour shift at mcdonalds with time in a half which equals 105 dollars made today.
YESSS!
I had no clue that it was a stat holiday today either :)

I hate having crushes on people that I work with especially when every other girl at work "loves" them and I'm taking a leave from work on Sunday and not coming back until May.

Fuck crushes. I'm going to stop having them starting now........okay now....now?

Fuck it.

Since I've been back home I have gone to a random party in Oro Medonte with Matt G, told a boy I work with who was piss drunk that I liked him (and am now praying to God he doesn't remember), had a sleep over with Matt, watched friends for about 6 hours straight, seen about 4 movies including 16 candles, pretty in pink, x men 3 and 8 mile, hung out with Matt and Katie on Valentines Day and lastly failed to get any shifts to work at Mcdonalds for next week.

I'm a progressive one.

used to be one of the rotten ones and I liked you for that

I'm honestly going to do everything in my power to distract myself from the thought of you. It's going to be hard but I don't really give a shit, you have to leave my thoughts right now. No matter what happens at the end of the day my thoughts always stray to you and it's so fucked up because there should be no reason that you should ever cross my mind.

If there's one thing I wish it would be that I never met you.
This is too hard, this is too fucking hard. Fuck.
I'm sorry if you are reading this and you think it is about you because as much as I don't want it to be about you, it is.

Tonight was pretty cool until the end, as always.

At least I can say that the last person I kissed isn't a girl anymore. (Not that I don't love you Chantelyyyy)

4rth week in a row getting into caps under age with a fake ID. YEYE ;)
I wish someone was up that I could just talk to all night because at this point I don't want to sit here alone, drinking chocolate soy milk and writing random blogs about whatever the fuck pops into my head. Someone come visit me plz? I'm absolutely too exited to head back to Barrie tomorrow. I miss everyone so muchhhhhh.

Chocolate soy milk is probably the only thing keeping me going at this point. KBYE :)

SCORE

So I just paid $3.25 in the caf for 4 chocolate strawberries. What a rip.
Today my soccer team won it's first game and the irony of this is that last week the whole team showed up to the game and they lost and this week only 4 people showed up being me, Chantel, Kristyn and some random guy, and we won! It was even 4 players against 6 and we still won. I assumed the goalie position because I used to love playing goalie in soccer way back when. I saved a couple goals which made me happy because I thought I was going to suck in net.

I have my photography lecture until 7 but I don't really want to go because I'm going downtown with people at 6. I guess I'll just leave early.

Only one more midterm to go then it's back to Barrie for a week! :D:D:D

you say you wanted a solution, you just wanted to be missed

I've noticed that ever since I've been back on residence this semester I have had the lowest self esteem that I think I've ever had in my life. I think being surrounded by so may people I don't know every day just fucks me up.

I have to pick myself up because I know this isn't me and I'm worth so much more then I give myself credit for.

I guess this is my learning experience and I have to learn to be confident, no matter how hard it may be.

I love my blog because it is a way that I can express my feeling without being so vocal about it because I am a very shy person.

I just started watching the real world key west and I have pretty high hopes for it. I have my ethics midterm tomorrow and I'm sure I'm going to do well.

This morning I was going to write a depressing blog about how shitty I feel about life but I've come out of that state and I forget what I was going to write anyways.

God for fucking bid I say one thing wrong and it pisses people off. I hate how everyone acts like they can do no wrong but let me tell you, you all fucking do.

I'm not too fond of some people because of the way they judge people when they don't know them or chirp people for no reason but you don't see me going around saying "I'm pissed because they said something I didn't like".

Suck it the fuck up, honestly.

Both of you make fun of people constantly and it makes me think about what the fuck you are saying about me when I'm not there.

MA WEEKENDZ

Since I've posted so many bogs under the influence about the events of this weekend I only find it fair to my readers that I post one while I'm sober.

Friday was fun because me, Chantel, Kristyn, James and Connor went downtown Toronto and spent the day down there shopping and such. All I ended up buying was a dress from American Apparel.

Friday night was pretty random though. It all started with a bunch of boys on s2 playing century club in the lounge then a whole bunch of other people showing up from various other floors until it progressed into a party. As you have read in my last entry the boy who I had a crush on who was completely hammered came up to me and said he didn't want everything to be awkward between us (even though we have never talked in my life) because he heard I liked him blah blah blah then proceeded to make things awkward with me. I don't really care much for him anymore. Then I got all upset because someone who I cannot name showed up to the party at which point I proceeded to the bathroom to cry because I'm a baby. Afterwards we cleared everything up with each other and I'm so sorry we had to have that conversation while I was drunk but I guess it made me more truthful. Please don't take into account what I asked you before I left because I was totally hammered. Just a side note because I know your reading this. After that I went to my friend Sean's room and ended up getting my alcohol and my i pod stolen because I left his room to go have a very serious talk with a boy who everyone thinks I hooked up with just because we were talking in his room alone."OMG BOY AND GIRL IN ROOM MUST MEAN THEY ARE FUCKING OMGZZZZZ!!!!1" Thats cooooool. I love looking like a slut when I did absolutely nothing wrong. No one understands why I'm so angry but I'm sorry I like to have a good reputation with people and I like them to think I'm a decent, non slutty person. Is that so much to ask? REALLY? So yeah I pretty much watched people play video games for the rest of the night in Sean's room and yelled down the hall multiple times at my crush for being so awkward with me earlier on in the night.

Saturday night was pretty fun. Me and all of my friend walked over to a guy from Humber's house where I proceeded to make my self look socially retarded because I can't stop being so shy. I was offered a beer by Connor because I was being so anti-social and made a failed attempt at shotgunning it. I rule. Apparently someone got shot like 3 blocks away from the party so because I'm smart I left with Paul and Chuck from s2 then ended up in the room of a boy I really hate back at residence before I went to a room and sang karaoke with some girls on my floor. After that I got bored and ended up in the lounge with some random people and Paul. He looked like he was tripping out so I asked him what he was on and I ended up smoking weed in his room which is so unlike me because I never smoke weed. So I kinda stayed up until 4 last night and thats about my weekend.

YAYYYY life. Shit this is a long entry and I have so much homework to do and I don't know how I'm going to do it all tonight and get up tomorrow at 9 to go to value village.

I'm coming back to Barrie next weekend. Get exited.

I surprisingly don't have anything to complain about tonight. I went to a random gathering at a house and DIDN'T act stupid for once.
I have had about 8 hours of sleep in the past 2 days and I'm still up rightt now because I think I'm still high and don't want to go to sleep.

But anyways yayy life I guess. I have a lot of homework to do this week and I miss Matt Graham.

BYEEEEEE :D

So I'm pretty much never allowed to open my mouth again when I'm drunk or post blogs for that matter.

So I'm at my dad's house with my family and everyone is telling me to go eat but I don't want to.
I'm upset and I just want to talk to someone...but srsly, when am I not upset after a night of drinking?
AND OBV WHEN MY STATUS ON FACEBOOK SAYS "my tounge's the only muscle on my body that works harder then my heart" I OBV DON'T MEAN IT BECAUSE IT'S A FUCKING SONG!! WHO DO YOU THINK I AM?
FUCK I'M SO ANGRY AT EVERYTHING AND IMMUNA PUNCH SOMEONE RIGHT THE FUCK OUT.

WOOOW
I've been told to go hang myself and called a twat tonight.
Why are people on residence so fucking stupid? Anyways my crush whom I never talk to pulls me aside tonight and tell me that we should NOT have "beef" even though we NEVER EVER fuckING talk.
Like who are you? Then he's like "helga I just want to be friends" and "helga you are a cool girl" like you don't even know me so fuck right ooffffffff.
Then the boy I have been having issues with for the past 4 months comes out of nowhere and all these feelings come back. We talked about everything but
FML
I LIKE BEING SINGLE WITH SO STRINGS ATTACHED.
FUCKS BOYS FUCKUFCKUFCK.

Party tonight on s2 and I'm exited. This weekend has been good so far, lets keep it that way.
THNX!

I CUT MYSELF SHAVING IN THE SHOWER AND I'M BLEEDING EVERYWHEREEEEEEE FML.

I'm scared because I have trust issues with everyone.
I hate this feeling so much because it's completely irrational.
I think I have a mild case of anxiety.

:(

Today I got my first photography test back on shutter speed, ISO and F-stop and to everyone's surprise including my own, I was one of the only people in both classes to get 100 percent. The teacher used to treat my like a stupid fuck because he thought I didn't know what I was doing but I showed him.
So I joined a soccer team and I hope when I play none of the boys on my team will make fun of me because I'm not very good at soccer or sports in general. I can't play tomorrow because I have stupid film class but Kristyn has been recruited to the team and she is playing in my place since the team has to have 2 girls out on the floor at all times (which would have been me and Chantel).
Barrrr tomorrow with all of my best friends minus Matt G who isn't talking to me even though I said I wanted to talk. Cooooool.
Every week we go to the bar not everyone makes it in or to the actual bar so tomorrow night everyone better make it to the bar.

BTW PICHUREZ OF ME IN CASE YOU GET BORED.

My prescription is rly bad okayy?

mmmm love my messy desk

i'm not this orange irl

lovvving my awkward looking cleavage

luv life k bye

(L)

Taken in context
It's not a bad thing
But when you start to pick it apart
It gets so depressing
It's that sort of thing
That makes you think too much
It's that sort of thing
That makes you lose your objectivity

So, if you made it
Just be glad that you did and stay there
If you ever feel loved or needed
Remember that you're one of the lucky ones
And if it's over
Just remember what I told you
It was bound to happen
So, just keep moving on
There's no perfect endings

Happy 300th blog post to me!!
I blog too much but anyways most of the drama I have had between people this weekend has been cleared up and I'm happy.
I always say it but this week is going to be better than last week because Katie and Pat are coming to visit meeee and go to the bar.
I have nothing more to say other than I'm losing 30 pounds by May and only eating 900 calories a day.
I love starving myself.

I feel I'm going crazy! I don't think caffeine sits well with my body even though I'm only using coffee as a meal suppressant. I don't want to eat anymore.

I've managed to piss off and get pissed off by a lot of people this passed weekend and I just want everything to go back to normal. But I'm naive for thinking that because I know everything is just going to keep being fucked up between people no matter what.

i'm depressing

o1. I am the shyest person I know and when I get shy I talk like a baby.

o2. I use alcohol to make me not shy and say things I want to say but wouldn't say when I'm sober.

o3. I hate being alone in places where people I know can see me, actually I hate being alone in general.

o4. I put extra sauce on all of my foods.

o5. I haven't opened a book since I got back to school this semester.

o6. I have a blue pig stuffed animal names piggy that I sleep with every night.

o7. I wouldn't trade piggy for anything in the world.

o8. I don't like drama and want to be friends with everyone, even though I know that's not possible.

o9. I don't think I'll ever be very good at the thing I love doing.

10. I always have a crush on someone.

11. I love having deep conversations with people when I'm drunk.

12. I'm scared that the people I love and the people I'm close to will one day realize that I'm not worth it and leave me.

13. I have an irrational fear of sharks.

14. I've never dyed my hair.

15. I blog every day.

16. I enjoy crying to music as fucked up as that sounds.

17. I play video games way more than a normal girl should.

18. I get hangovers every time I drink and they always last 24 hours.

19. I am a very last minute person for everything.

20. I am very easily intimidated and try to avoid conflict as much as possible.

21. I wear my hair down all the time.

22. I never take off my ring with 2 snakes on it.

23. I always dream of making up with the people I've let go in my life.

24. I'm a really bad liar so I usually avoid lying.

25. I'm afraid that I'm never going to find the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.

DEAR YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE

You were a chill guy when we fist met and everyone else thought so too but ever since this semester started you have been a big dick. I'm not only one who noticed either, my friend who used to like you can't stand you anymore and neither can her boyfriend so you should probably stop trying to be his friend, sorry about your luck. The thing that I have realized is that you're not only a mean person when you drink, you're also mean when you're sober so don't tell me that you aren't that person because you are. You act like you're better then everyone but the truth is that you are a brown noser, a suck up to teachers and an alcoholic. I'm actually so glad I didn't give my virginity to you because that would have been a mistake that I would have regretted for the rest of my life. Everyone tells me that I can do so much better than you and I've finally realized that I can because I don't deserve to be treated like a piece of shit.