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Toronto, Ontario, Canada

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Second year university, January: How does it measure up to now? What has changed...? Bolded is present me

I wanted to see what was up in my life exactly a year ago so I checked my blog and tonight marks one year to the weekend we tried to get into the campus bar for the first time and I threw up at a house party on their couch. Wow that was fucking cool of me.
Not much has changed boy wise, I liked a stupid boy last year and I like another, cuter stupid boy this year. And I liked another stupid boy the year after that and I like another stupid boy right now. I kissed random boys last year and I kiss random boys this year. And now I fuck random boys.
I can say I'm still a significanly different person, I have more self confidence for sure which I love, I have more self controle when it comes to drinking too. I have too much self confidence and barely drink.
I love life this year. Life is mediocre. I'm letting someone else control my happiness and that's my own fault.

I guess I want to see what I was doing a year ago today also:
I can't even handle the way I look anymore. I don't even think I like my septum piercing on me but fuck it, I guess I'll keep it. I'm fucking hot and I'm so glad I took out my septum.
I feel like I'm going through a quarter life crisis and I don't know how to fix it. I still don't know how to fix it but things will get better, they always do. I think I'm going to go cut my bangs.
Living on my own is officially making me crazy. If i didn't live on my own I'd be crazy.

I've been reading my old blogs and it seems that every fucking January some asshole breaks my heart or I am in the process of mending my poor heart.
How the fuck do I even have feelings left?

but yeah

I think I’m just gonna stick to the guys I wont be interested in after one night

that way no one gets hurt….

well I don’t get hurt.

Too bad 4 everyone else and their feelings :’)

Monday, January 30, 2012

I don't think I'm built

for the whole “relationship” thing.

It goes 1 of 2 ways :

1. I’m just not THAT into them and I cheat on them

2. I’m too into them and I put a huge part of myself into the realtionship

and frankly no one deserves that much of me…

no one.

Making you regret what you did to me is not 'me winning'.

It’s everyone still losing.

Tilt my chin back slit my throat take a bath in my blood get to know me

Working out is the most positive way to channel all of my negative energy.

When I think of THAT feeling I can push my body as hard as I can and I can't feel anything.

It's wonderful.

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Game plan for the rest of my life

Tonight: Work overnights and try not to die.

Tomorrow: Sleep all day, work till 11. Work out. Finish schoolwork.

Monday: Class, mail application to the internship i want in NYC.

Tuesday: Class all day.

Things I need to get done thought the week:

Assignments 1-4 for my Ryerson class and assignments 1 and 2 for my Guelph Humber class.

Thursday: Party? I hope. God single Helga needs to get out on the town.

February 14: Go see star wars in 3d with Chantel and have a bubble bath alone when I get home.

February 17: Go to Ottawa and drink till I'm drunk enough to make out with everyone.

Reading week: Repeat statement above but add in working and making money and such.

Get it on with someone cute in the process of all of this. Go.

Friday, January 27, 2012


we'll look back on this and laugh
but not today.
Not tomorrow.
Not next week.
Not next month.
Maybe never and that kind of makes me sad.

I take comfort in knowing

you can't fight for something that doesn't exist.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

I wonder what it's like to be in a euphoric state of mind?

Although it is not normally achieved without drugs it can be experienced briefly when you are feeling in love or having an orgasm. Well I know how I can have at least one of those.

Yesterday I couldn't stop crying if my life depended on it and today I couldn't cry if I tried.

I'm not sad anymore

I'm just....nothing.

I'm feel psychotic and it's awesome.

But you could have waited /

You could have locked yourself up /

For ten years or so /

And when you finally came out /

There would still be no chances for you

How could it be any other way?

Guess I lose
guess you win.

he thought she's never disappear if he were watching but she did; she vanished
then he thought that by watching, he'd made her disappear
and he was always wrong, but fascinated

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

I was so weak today. Weak weak weak.
And you know what? So what if I can't have what I want right now? It's not like I didn't have it for 4 years.
Not that everything doesn't remind me of you or that I wont miss you but
I need to be strong and I can't allow myself to be so easily broken.
I have too much I still need to do.

I lay in bed all day today crying. The only time i wasn't crying is when I got drunk and went to sleep.
I can't spend every day like this. I need to learn how to feel better because I don't even feel like a person right now.
It feels like I can't physically move out of bed because there is no point.

How the fuck can one person do this to me?

Can’t even do anything but lay here and cry someone come visit before I do something stupid.


come to georgetown and give me some weed/sleeping pills/oxycontin. I need to be asleep.

Yeah it's like that.

I was gonna have a shot of whiskey for breakfast but I already took advil in hopes it would make me sleep.


Tuesday, January 24, 2012

The internet is making my mood worse. Everything I see that is happy makes me sad and everything I see that is sad makes me sad.

Put me in a coma so I don't have to feel anything for the next few days. Thanks.

Oh and that would also probably prevent me from writing a fucking blog post every hour cause you don't even deserve to know how I feel.

did u write dis?

I can't maintain a relationship
They remind me I don't relate to shit
I love you, I'm not in love with you
But I want you in my life and that's an issue

I hate to say I'm not committed, I admit it
Only 22, I'm tryn' live it to the limit
You know I'm coming back for you the minute that I'm finished
Right now, a girlfriend would be a blemish on my image

I led you on and you might think I'm selfish
But I like your company, I really can't help it
Even though I see you twice a week
Tell me why you adamently fight for me

Saying please don't leave, but I'm focused on my plan
It's not personal, I hope you understand
Some day, you will trust me again
But for now, I'm sorry that our love had to end

How do I get you to feel what I feel for you?

I can’t.

What a waste of everything.

What a waste of a friendship.

I can’t even fucking do this I can’t stop crying.

I can only get rid of these feelings if I get rid of you.

I’m sorry. Just like you said you’re sorry.



Friday, January 20, 2012

My mom's wedding is tomorrow. Should be interesting plus I'm gonna look like a pretty princess or something like that. I have to say some stupid written out passage about orchids during the ceremony which makes me wanna barf but whatever. Uhh I'm mostly excited for how good my mother and I are going to look and all her family and friends basically partying together. Matt bailed on me as my date to the wedding which sucks for him cause he's missing like a 7 course meal. People can't commit to anything these days which scares me.
I've had an uneasy feeling in my stomach for the past few days but that's just because I'm insecure as hell and I can't tell anyone but the internet even though people are going to read this.
Yeah so basically I can't put the way I feel into words but it comes and goes and when it comes I feel retarded and irrational and fucking sick.

you'll break something if you beat yourself up for the way you feel and that you won't be able to feel differently until you've finished feeling this feeling

Thursday, January 19, 2012

I promised myself

I wouldn't be a needy girlfriend that has to see her significant other every week. I LIED. Why the fuck would someone want to date me ugggggggggggggggggg.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Let me play you like a fucking video game I'll plug myself in and enter the name
I'll get your high score, it's all I'm asking for.
Number 1 forever and more.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

My new years resolution is to stop being promiscuous when it comes to guys.
It shouldn't be too hard seeing as I have a boyfriend which is so goddamn weird to hear or say...or type.
I'm so glad that I don't have to worry about stupid boys telling me the same bullshit lines every time I hook up with them.
I'm super lucky to be dating someone I'm already so close to.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Today is my first day of my last semester of school. Yay I think. I have to figure out how to properly take my class at Ryerson and if worse comes to worse I will venture downtown to figure this situation out in person.
After today's stress I have class at 3pm tomorrow, work on Wednesday, seeing David on Thursday and flying to Ottawa on Friday.
Busy week. I'm excited to do something with my life again though.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

I keep thinking and over thinking so much that I terrify myself and I can't sleep.
My brain needs to shut up
shut up shut up shut up shut up
shut up shut up shut up shut up
shut up shut up shut up.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012


1-How are you? gud
2-Post a picture of yourself. na
3-Do you ever wish you were someone else? na
4-What is your entire name? too lazy
5-How old are you? 21
6-Age you get mistaken for: 17
7-Your zodiac/horoscope and if you think it fits your personality: fuck dat bull
8-What did you do on your last birthday? worked
9-What is one thing you would like to accomplish before your next birthday? idk
10-What is your hair color? blonde
11-Have you ever dyed your hair? no
12-What is your eye color? blu
13-If you could change your eye color, would you? no
14-Do you wear contacts/glasses? yes
18-Do you have any tattoos? yes
19-Do you have any piercings? yes
20-Left or right handed? right
21-What’s your sexual orientation? straight
22-Do you drink? yes
23-Do you smoke? sometimes
24-Do you have any pets? my rat
25-Where do you work? mcdongdongs
26-Something you are working on right now: my life
27-Do you have any “rules” about food? no foods with obscene amounts of calories
28-Where are you from? toronto
29-What would you say is your best quality? idk im funny i think
30-What do you think you’re really good at? idk kissing? lollloooll
31-What do you think you’re really bad at? a lot of things
33-Are you a bad person? idk maybe
34-Are you nice to everyone? no
36-Has someone ever spread a nasty rumor about you? no
37-What is your ideal bed? Why? king sized bed cause i gots lots of room
38-Did you wake up cranky? yes
39-Do you sleep with a stuffed toy? yes :’$
40-What do you think about the most? life
42-What you want to be when you “get older”? idk
43-What are your career goals? photographer
44-What is your ideal career? see above
45-Is your life anything like it was two years ago? no
46-Do you replay things that have happened in your head? yes so much
47-Have you ever had an imaginary friend? no
48-Say 10 facts about your room: it’s small, it’s messy most of the time, i spend a lot of time here, i have a queen sized bed, i have lots of childish things in here, my closet is colour coordinated idk the end bye
49-Do you have any phobias? sharks
50-Have you ever been to a psychiatrist/therapist? no
51-Are you allergic to anything? If so, what? pineapple
52-Ever broken any bones? no
53-Ever come close to death? no
60-Do you have a facebook? If so, would you add the person who sent you this? k
61-Do you have any pictures on your Facebook? ye
62-Describe yourself in one word/sentence:cool
63-A quote you try to live by: it is wat it is
64-A famous person you’ve been compared to: none
65-Weird things you do when you’re alone: go on the internet for 8 hours straight
66-Something you do without realizing:twirl my hair
68-Someone you’d like to be for a day and why: me lol

70-What is your favorite thing to do? internet
71-What’s your favorite color? pink
73-What’s your favorite movie? smiley face
74-What are your favorite books? dont read
75-What is your favorite quote and why? idk IT IS WHAT IT IS
76-What is your favorite word? cunt
77-What is your least favorite word? cluster
78-What is your favorite type of food? sushi
79-You favorite ice cream? chocolate peanutbutter
80-What’s your favorite animal? rat/ rodents
81-Dogs or cats? catz
82-Describe your favourite texture: soft n fluffy
83-What is your favorite flower? idc
84-What’s your favourite scent? And on the opposite sex? laundry and idk clean?
85-What is your favorite season? summer
86-What are the top five places you wish you could go before you die? egypt, russia, prague, japan, idk i wanna go everywhere
87-What are four things you can’t live without and why? internet, my bed, food and water
88-Which mythological creature are you most like? Why? dragon cuz im cool
89-What’s your favorite television show? idk i like lots
90-Favorite place to shop at? forever 21


106-Would you ever smile at a stranger? no
107-Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys? boys
108-Who is someone you never tire of? david, chantel
109-Do you have someone you can be your complete self around? almost all my friends
110-Who is your most loyal friend? idk
111-Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to? yes
112-If your best friend died, what would you do? crey
113-Something you’ve lied about.? stuff
114-Have you ever felt replaced? idk
115-Say 5 facts about your bestfriend(s): dey cool, dey awesome, dey like 2 party, dey smart, dey fun


116-The last person you hugged? trev
117-Story of your first kiss? ew
118-Do you like kissing in public? only when i drink
119-Have you ever kissed someone older than you? ye
120-You have a preference for boys or girls? boiz
121-Is the male or female body closest to perfection? wat
127-What is the first thing you noticed in someone? eyes
128-Are looks important in a relationship? yes
129-What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for? nice body
130-What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships? idk
131-Would you ever date someone off of the Internet? no
133-Do you have a crush on anyone? yes
134-A description of the girl/boy you like: he da cutest
135-Say 1 fact about the person you like: see above
136-If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say? i crey
137-When was the last time you told someone you loved them? idk
138-Do you think someone has feelings for you? ye
139-Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? maybe
140-Have you ever cried over a guy/girl? obv
141-Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have? yes
142-Anyone you’re giving up on? nope
143-Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to? no
144-Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated? yes
145-Have you ever liked one of your best friends? yes :’)
146-Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you? idk guys used to tell me all sorts of bull like dat
147-Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for? couple
148-Is there someone you will never forget? imma get alzheimers and forget everyone bye
153-What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you? idk
154-What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you? whatever they think is sweet
157-Are you in love? lol
158-Are you in a relationship? yes
159-If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her? lotz
160-Are relationships ever worth it? i guess idk
161-Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are? idk maybe
162-Can you commit to one person? i guess
163-Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat? making sure of it :’)
164-Do you ever want to get married? sure
165-Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years? no
167-Do you get jealous easily? i try not to but yes
168-The last time you felt jealous, and why? not tellin
169-What is your definition of cheating? :(
170-Have you ever been cheated on? yes
171-Do you forgive betrayal? yes
172-Have you ever cheated on someone? yes
173-Why did your last relationship fail? he was gay
174-Things you want to say to an ex: luv u
175-A description of the person you dislike the most: idk
176-If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept? how can u assume that me and my first love ended on bad terms…?
177-How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had? 3
178-How long was your longest relationship? 3 years on and off
179-You’ll love me if… wat? dats not a question
180-Share a relationship story: no

Music, movies and books

181-How often do you listen to music? lots
182-What kind of music you like? idk
183-Do you like to dance? yes
185-Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today? no
186-Share a song that takes you to a certain memory in the past: no
187-A song that’s been stuck in your head: none
188-Put your music player on shuffle and write the first ten songs that play: idk
189-A book you want to read/have recently read: dont read
190-Describe your dream library: an empty one
191-Last movie you just watched: gurl wit dat dragon tattoo
192-Do you like watching what type of movies? everything

Situations and crazy things

193-You’re in a tattoo parlor about to get inked. What are you getting done? a heart
194-What’s something you can see yourself going to jail for? being too cool
195-If you could be any character, from any literary work, who would you choose to be? idk
196-You’re given $10,000…under one condition: you cannot keep the money for yourself. Who would you give it to? my mommy
197-If you had to go back in time and change one thing, what would it be? nothing
198-If you were an element on the Periodic Table, which would you be and why? gold cuz i can b
199-If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be? idk
200-You’re an Action Movie Hero. What’s your weapon of choice and the line you scream when defeating your arch enemy? bow and arrow and “it’s like that”
201-If you could design an amusement park ride, what would it be like? a roller coaster that went under water
202-What is the first curse word that comes to mind? fuck
203-What the last party you went to was… and when the next will be…? um we had a b day party for chantel and idk when the next one will be
204-Halloween costume idea? princess zelda
205-How you’d spend ten thousand bucks? hm in ways i shouldn’t
206-Press ctrl+v and post: it would be this entire quiz again so no
207-Would you rather be stranded on a desert island with someone you love for ten years or someone you hate for a month? Explain why. someone i hate obv
208-5 things within touching distance: phone, 3ds pillow that's it
209-A drunken story: i got drunk and either a) had a good time or b) did something stupid
210-What are you supposed to be doing right now? nothing
211-Currently wanting to see anyone? alwayz

Monday, January 2, 2012

Happy 2012.
Tomorrow I'm meeting up with my ex friend who I haven't seen in 4 years. Should be interesting.
I spent the countdown to 2012 with most of the people closest to me underneath the fireworks at Nathan Phillips Square.
I started dating one of my best friends also and I couldn't be happier.

I'm excited for the rest of 2012.