Blog I wrote last year

"I have a crush, like a legit crush on a boy I actually hang out with.
I like everything about him and he makes me so happy when I'm with him. :)


He gives me cute kisses on the nose.
Yay !!"
BARFERONI.
FOREVER ALONE, PLEASE.

Good things that have happened in the past few days:
got part of my stressful location scouting assignment done
bought a skirt from Aritzia that was size 4 and fit and I'm usually a size 6
my cat came to live with me and everyone loves her
started playing video games again
stopped caring so much about the guy I like because I have better things to worry about I guess
asking for a promotion at work next week
being an acting manager for a closing shift in 2 weeks
LOL me as a manager. LOLLOLOL

I wish I cared properly about the things I'm supposed to care about instead of the things I shouldn't.

I don't think I've ever hated and liked someone so much at the same time. I'm fucked.

I can't even handle the way I look anymore. I don't even think I like my septum piercing on me but fuck it, I guess I'll keep it.
I feel like I'm going through a quarter life crisis and I don't know how to fix it. I think I'm going to go cut my bangs.
Living on my own is officially making me crazy.
Bye.

I don't even know what I'm doing anymore.
I should probably grow up.

Weirdest day of my entire life.
Got up 10 minutes before my shift and tried to go to work with my huge septum ring.
Got sent home but jk i actually went to get the piercing changed to a smaller one.
The lady broke the clear balls on my piecing while trying to get it in so I had to wear silver ones.
Went back to work and got told I had to take the balls off
Ok, like no big THEN my manager comes up to me and literally says "maybe you should take some time off until it heals" like YEAH ok I'll just go take a month off. Like if this is your way of somehow trying to fire me then you can go suck a dick. As if I ever fucking liked you. FUCK YOU.
Anyways, took the balls off my ring and went to work drunk, like a boss.
Made new friends at work cause I was still drunk and endured the most exciting but painful day at work.
I looked like a bag of hungover shit and I got the most compliments ever from people at work. What? Just what?
Came home, smoked and ate leftover poutine and after fell asleep watching Hannah Montana.
Slept til 10 and then got up and ordered a pizza and got high with Chantel.
Ate my weight in chicken wings sitting on the living room floor and watched Talladega Nights and American Pie and now I'm here.
Today was exhausting.

Chapter One
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost .... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
Chapter Two
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend that I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in this same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter Three
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit ... but, my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
Chapter Four
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
Chapter Five
I walk down another street.

I love this quote more than anything

Everybody should do in their lifetime two things. One is to consider death… to observe skulls and skeletons and wonder what it would be like to go to sleep and never wake up. Never. That is a very gloomy thing for contemplation, but it’s like manure, just as manure fertilizes the plants and so on, so is the contemplation of death and the acceptance of death very highly generative for creative life. You’ll get wonderful things out of that.

I just want to lay down. I want to fall in love and then lay down.
That's about it.

I had such a good weekend visiting Matt in Ottawa. It made me want to move away to somewhere where I don't know anybody.
It was so refreshing meeting a whole bunch of people who didn't know me and that I could have a clean slate with.
I guess I just feel that way because I haven't met a lot of new, good people lately.
I want to move away soon. I'm sick of this place.

updatez bout dis weekend soon. wee

Today is the first day I've felt ok in the past 6 days.

I'm tired of being alone and that scares me.

I'm done putting myself out there because people only ever want something from you, they never want just you.
I will no longer give anyone the benefit of the doubt because no one really fucking deserves it.

I'm so tired of things not working out.
I forgot what it feels like to actually have a crush on someone until now and the feeling fucking sucks.
I'm sick of only weird boys that I never talk to liking me or asking me to hang out.
I'm so over being sad all the time.
I need to stop being an over dramatic, psycho bitch.

Today in my class:

"Okay tell us your name and something interesting about yourself"
"Uh, ok...my name is Helga and there's nothing interesting about me"
"Everyone has something interesting about themselves...what's your favorite tv show?"
silence...
"Do you like the big bang theory? Everybody likes the big bang theory"
silence....
I never had to tell the class anything interesting about myself....thank god.

you have knocked me off my feet again, got me feeling like i'm nothing.

I don't even know why I bother.
I'm sick of Rexdale. I hate Barrie. I don't feel content anywhere anymore.
So I've decided to take up habits that are going to kill my body in the long run...yay me :)

I constantly worry about what people think of me and then obsess over it
and obsess
and obsess
and obsess
forever
until I go crazy.
End.

Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.Act like nothing ever happened.
Just fucking do it.

I've actually made the poorest decisions starting out in 2011. This will not define how my year will go (I hope).

My perfect boyfriend

Tall and really skinny

long nose

likes cherry flavor and will eat all the cherry flavors for me when I buy assorted fruit flavored hard candies

will hang out in his underwear with me and get high

because I have high standards for boys


muah xoxo

Happy Wednesday. I'm going to my grandmas house today.
Hopefully they feed me cause I've eaten a cup of soup in the last day and a half and that's it.

things i need to buy when i get paid:
a scale to weigh my fat ass
the pink bong from the corner store near where david lives
a new bottle of vodka because i stole my house mates vodka because i'm poor

oh and unrelated to things i need to buy...i need to call my mom and ask why she's being such a bitch spaz.

I'M SO HUNGRY AND I'M GOING TO THE GYM. DEAD. BYE

every morning when i was little i’d wake up early and this is the only show that was on and i was always like “FUUUUU” because it had a weird black man narrating the whole show instead of the characters having their own voices

My drinking is killing me
My smoking is killing me
My diet's killing me
My heels are killing me
My shopping's killing me
My ego is killing me
Can't sleep, it's killing me
My label's killing me
My phone is killing me
My email is killing me
These hours are killing me
My tour is killing me
This flight is killing me
My manager's killing me
My mother's killing me
My landlord's killing me
My boss is killing me
The TV is killing me
Your nagging is killing me
My boyfriend is killing me
My talking's killing me
Killing me
Killing me
K-k-killing me
Can't sleep, it's killing me
My dreams are killing me
The TV is killing me
My talking's killing me
Let go, you're killing me
Ease up, you're killing me
Calm down, you're killing me
My god, you're killing me
K-k-killing me
My drinking is killing me
My smoking is killing me
My head is killing me
My mind is killing me
My back is killing me
My neck is killing me
Your nagging is killing me
My gut is killing me
My PMS is killing me
My email is killing me
These hours are killing me
My tour is killing me
This flight is killing me
My manager's killing me
My mother's killing me
My landlord's killing me
My smoking is killing me
The TV is killing me
Your nagging is killing me
Ease up, you're killing me
Let go, you're killing me
Calm down, you're killing me
My god, you're killing me

First blog post of 2011 and of course it's just me complaining

I honestly did nothing today but stayed fucked up and lay in bed.
Tomorrow gonna get my act together and clean the house and go running since there isn't much to do in this shit hole.